Live. Learn. Love.

2012-01-30T20:46:00.000-08:00

lately ive been so full of anxiety and care, especially regarding my goal to lose weight and get to the size i was in high school. i forgot what it was to cast my care on GOD and live in peace as HE works everything out for me. ive been jealous, full of hate and resentment. ive compared myself to girls and ive never felt so ugly and not myself. ive been insecure and negative. ive been stressed and sad. i lost sight of what should be the center of my life which is GOD. my weight and appearance and myself became my focus.

the past few weeks have been hard but with GODS help im slowly getting back on track, feeling peaceful again in GODS love, remembering to cast my cares and trust in and have faith in HIM. thank YOU LORD for always guiding me back to YOU. amen.

2012-01-09T22:23:00.003-08:00

2012-01-09T22:23:00.001-08:00

2012-01-09T22:22:00.001-08:00

2011-12-29T08:40:00.001-08:00

For those who are lost will soon be found by the helping hand of GOD.

2011-12-01T16:57:00.000-08:00

So its the end of the year. This year has been one of the most if not the most difficult year of my life. I was broken to the point that I couldn't get up. I had my heart torn out of my chest and stomped on. I was rejected and unwanted and taken advantage of. I was lost. But through it all GOD has seen me through and I can honestly say at the end of it all, I am the strongest and most independent and happiest with myself than I have ever been. Now I know what it is to feel joy without a man by my side. Now I know how it is to love myself first. Now I know what true self respect and self value is. I no longer need a man to feel complete or happy. For 6 in a half years I gave my whole being to a man who was not worthy.

Now I know better. & till this day he still fights to get back what he lost. & the best part is that although I have no one but myself and GOD I AM OK!!! I am totally and completely fine and happy and fullfilled. I am not running around trying to be in another relationship. I'm not trying to find another man to make me happy. I'm not taking back my ex just cause hes finally starting to show me the respect and love that I deserve. NO. I am just here doing me. I am doing what I need to do to better myself. Ive grown so much this year and I'm just so thankful for GOD for getting me through the worst pain I've ever experienced and turning it into a blessing.

2011-11-21T20:57:00.001-08:00

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My ride or die foreva evaaa

2011-11-02T12:58:00.001-07:00

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Photos

2011-11-02T12:55:00.001-07:00

2011-11-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Kickback till it's easy to love a man.

2011-11-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today I went running at the park again. Running outside is like my new therapy. I love it and it brings me such peace and time to clear my mind from all the clutter. After that i went to the gym to work on biceps and back. I bumped into an old friend I met one night while I was out with Christine. We caught up a bit on the treadmill then I went to go visit Matt.

I cant believe the drama he gave me for hanging out with my friend. First off WE ARE NOT TOGETHER anymore. I thought i made that clear to him. I'm already so confused with my love life that I just want everyone to leave me alone so I could figure out what I really want. If Derick is the guy for me then we will eventually be together again, if thats what GOD wants. But til then I just need time to myself.

2011-06-12T19:20:00.001-07:00

You toyed with my affliction, had to fill up my prescription. Now i found the remedy, i had to set you free.

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-05-25T21:23:00.001-07:00

Each day im more and more confused with what to do with this fucking relationship. I cant eat i cant sleep i cant focus on anything. im taking fucking antianxiety meds just to be able to calm myself and sleep at night and to stop my mind and heart from running wild. i have nightmares almost everynight and theyre always about him. one day i feel strong. that im ok and can go on without him and find happiness and fullfillment else where. especialy when he shows me that he doesnt care for me or this relationship and always puts it last on his list. then i have days where i just cant let go. im miserable and and depressed and always stressed out and its all because of him and being in this relationship but i would rather be this miserable than even thinking of being without him. im so fucking weak. idk anymore. maybe its me. maybe im the reason this relationship is shit. everytime i talk to my mom and cousin they tell me its not healthy start looking for what else is out there live tmy life and that i can be so much happier. that i waste my life my time and my youth and beauty on some guy who is not worthy. sometimes i feel that way too but other times i remember the guy i fell in love with and sometimes he shows me that guy again. and i keep holding on hoping that shit will get better and that we can be happy i know hes sad with me also. ive been reading books trying to figure shit out. if ucking read act like a lady think like a man thinking it will help me understand how men think. christine recommended it to me. i read that shit and it basically said that all men cheat regardless. just cuz they can and they need to get some. even if they are happy with their woman they still do it cuz they fucking love sex. i just feel like i want to be single forever and not have to play these games or deal with this kind of shit anymore!! after reading it i just want to call him and cuss him out for cheating on me!! ughh am i fucking crazy?? sometimes i feel like i see signs of cheating but im indenial or im overreacting. im so fucking insecure and nag and bitch about everything because i ahve no trust or security in this relationship. his shcedle always changes, he gets out of work late all the time, he always ahs excses for shit. i want so much to believe his words and believe in this relationship but ims cared to fall again and i just cant get up anymore. im sof ucking weak! ii know i sound like a crazy bitch in this blog but fuck off its my blog! ughh. ive been off work for 3 days anda ll i did was hit the gym then eat after cuz im fucking depressed, go home shower get in my jammies , pop a xanax and get into fucking bed at nooon!!! i stay in bed all day watching tv trying to figure out wtf to do with my life and iwth him. we went to coples thereapy finally and we still havent made another appnt cuz hes alawys so fucking busy. im so torn between being a good understanding gf and be supportive of how busy he is and all the things he needs to do and between myself and waht i need as a woman which is my mans time and affection which i get so very rarely. i broke up with him and he cmae to my house and fought for me. why cant he be that man all the time??? sometimes i feel like i really just need to leave. whether its me or him or just us as a couple that is wrong ppoint is that were both miserable. i dont wnat ot take meds just to be able to sleep at night! just ot fucking relax waiting around all day for his phone calls that rarely come or he will take forever to call me bacik. i knw hes busy but fuck im human too and i have needs!! i dont trust him for shit i dont feel safe or secure with him. what more wen he gets stationed out of the valley for airforce?? i would rather just end it now and try to move on in my life than try to fucking hold on till he leaves then he fucking leaves me anyways! i dont want to waste my life anymore im so fucking miserable and lonely! i just want to happiness. i feel like the only time i will be happy is if he is finally out of my life. i know itll hurt but when the pain is gone maybe i can find peace again.but idk how to be without him. i still want to believe and hope that he can bring joy into my life again. im sof ucking torn and more confused than ever. i just want to sleep high on my drugs so i dont feel or think about this fucking pain! ughhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Car & Gym

2011-04-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

I finally got my own car and started hitting the gym. I love the gym! It's so much more fun and motivating and its a great escape from all my troubles right now. Seeing all these fit people make me more driven to get more toned and fit. I dont get bored and I can work out for hours. For the past week I've been at the gym almost everyday and working out for 1 to 3 hours. When I'm at home doing insanity and weights I'll usually workout for about an hour but seriously gotta force myself to keep going cuz i get so bored and theres not much space to move around in my room.

I love going there to escape all my troubles with of course my bf. Its still not much better. I try not to be so negative and try to see things from a more positive point of view and hold on and fight for this relationship. The fights never end and my guards are higher than ever. There is no trust and security. We're always afraid of getting hurt by the other. He has been putting more effort to be with me lately and usually that would make me so happy. But I'm so used to him abandoning and neglecting me and putting me on the bottom of his list that I dont believe it anymore. I just cant believe his true intentions are just wanting to be with me. I'm afraid if I fall for it again and start believing I'm gonna end up crushed as always. This saturday is supposed to be our first couples therapy session and i dont even know if we can make it cause he has class. My face has aged and I dont have the same glow or aura that I used to. Everyone can tell I'm miserable even when I try to cover it all up with a fake smile. I'm so confused. More than I have ever been in my life. I try not to worry or wonder anymore whats going to happen. I try to forget it and keep him from entering my mind and I ask GOD to take care of it for me and for the wisdom to know what to do. & I try to escape. Which is honestly the main reason why I pushed to get a car and join the gym. So i can have distractions and get away and keep from hurting even if its just for a little while.

The Essentials

2011-04-03T17:01:00.003-07:00

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Shes here!

2011-03-31T15:15:00.001-07:00

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2011-03-28T19:21:00.001-07:00

Im at my cousins apartment hanging out with her the last night shes preggos. Tomorrow she is scheduled for a c section and baby Ella will finally be here! Cant wait to meet her. This weekend my family from sf will be in town along with my sister coming from san diego and my bf also. All my loved ones in one place to meet the new baby :)

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2 missed workouts :(

2011-03-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm so annoyed with myself that I ate super bad and didn't work out today or yesterday. This whole weekend I'm working and busy so I know that's going to be another two days I can't get my cardio and weight training in. It's been two days since I last worked out and I already feel flabby and less energetic. I tried to work out right now before I go to sleep but I got lazy and more annoyed with myself cause I don't usually exercise late at night. I don't want to start getting back into old bad habits and gain back the weight that I lost. I think I'm being a bit hard on myself but feeling all jiggily is NOT the business and I seriously am mad at myself for messing up. I need to check myself.

I'm really trying to target my core/abs which is the hardest part of my body to lose fat. I bought a medicine ball and The Flat Abs diet book. lol I know I'm so desperate. Summer is in exactly 3 months. I want to be my ideal size by that time. & also fit and toned. Bikini Bod ready toned :) Ever since I started lifting weights my body has been a bit more tight but I'm still not where I wanna be. # months is more than enough time to get there though. I want to lose maybe like 5 or 7 more lbs then just tone it all up.

But seriously, I just want to vent in this blog how mad I am at myself for being a lazy heffer today! Ahhhhhhh get it together Michelle!

Today and other thoughts..

2011-03-22T00:43:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up had some oatmeal for breakfast and had a good workout. I waited about an hour and then did about 30 minutes of intense cardio and circuit training then about 45 minutes of strength training and lifting weights. Afterwards I showered and got ready to take my mom to kaiser cause she had an appointment with the rheumatology department. They did a bunch of lab work and she took a disability off of work for two months cause of her condition. I'm glad that she has time to just rest and recover now. My cousin met up with us there and we all went to the market after cause my mom wanted chicken wings for dinner. Got home and spent quality time with the family. We chit chatted and had good laughs while watching funny shows while we waited for my brother and sister to finish cooking up the wings. We all had dinner then went to wal mart to walk off the food we ate and pick up our little necessities. My workout was such a burn today since all I did was eat. Chicken wings, soda, chocolate, chips omg! Tomorrow I am doing work! Anyways overall it was a wonderful day spent with my loved ones and all we did were simple things. Thank YOU for this day LORD :)

Although I'm glad that my bf is more willing to help me work this relationship out, I'm really starting to wonder if I can ever really be truly be happy with him, or if we can ever truly be happy together. Our constant fighting and misunderstandings never ends. We haven't even started the couples therapy cause hes so busy with working and school. The trust issues keep piling up. The bitterness and anger just doesn't seem to go away. I try so hard to keep us together, to be unselfish and do my best to make things work between us. I just feel like he's not doing enough on his part to make it work. He's close minded and very self centered. He never seems to see my needs or considers my feelings ever. It's always about what he wants. I see happy couples all around me and get envious how they can be happy and no matter how hard we try, we cant seem to get past our problems and be happy also. It hurts cause I really do love him. I want us to be happy. But are things going to be this way forever? It's not as easy anymore to just let go of our fights and issues and just think its ok we love each other. There has to be some kind of resolution. I know I have alot to work on and change for him, myself and for the sake of our relationship but so does he. I wish he could see that also. I wish he cared enough to see past his views and own perspectives and respect my own. Does it have to take me leaving for good for him to finally see and realize?

All I can do now is try my absolute best to make it work out. To love unconditionally and forgive and forget. To be understanding and patient and caring. To try and keep things calm so we dont end up fighting. To try to give him the things he asks of me. To try to show him my love and his worth to me. All I can do is try my best, and leave all the rest up to GOD. I cant force Derick to be who I want him to be or make him into what I feel is ideal for me. I love and accept him for who he is. But it takes two people equally sacrificing and being respectful and considerate to make a relationship work. If GOD wants us to be together then it will workout. If not, maybe theres just a lesson to be learned here and I know HE will give me the strength to move on and find happiness again. I love Derick so much. I hope and pray everyday that he is the one for me and that we may find true peace and happiness together and resolve our problems and constant fighting. That all our wounds and hurt over these past 6 years will heal and that we can move on with a fresh slate. Right now I just cant worry. All I can do is my part and I surrender the rest to GOD to take care of it for me.

Tomorrow I'm gonna double up my cardio and workout time to make up for all the junk i ate today. Got some laundry to do and cook up a couple meals worth of healthy food since I will be busy the rest of the week working so I need healthy food I can just take on the go. Clean up my room a bit and then just lounge around. Rest and get my mind together and relax. I really wanted to go for a good run but the weather is weird. It's been raining. I cant wait to get a car and join the gym!

my lovies

2011-03-21T20:47:00.001-07:00

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Cheat meal and snack for the week

2011-03-20T20:31:00.001-07:00

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Mommy Dearest

2011-03-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm so worried about my mom. She's been getting even more sick on top of her lupus and diabetes and htn and chronic liver disease :( Shes getting weaker and weaker. She cant even get out of bed on her own anymore without someones help. She is finally going to the doctors tomorrow. Shes been having on and off temps that arent going away. I think she has an infection but shes so stubborn and wont listen to any of my advice even though im a nurse and can help her. I pray shes ok :(

2011-03-14T00:57:00.001-07:00

I finally shopped for myself and all I got were books on health, fitness and self improvement :) A much better investment than on a bag or top ill only wear a few times. I'm seriously considering buying a nook or ipad so I can take all my books with me to go!

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I got this set of different weights all for twenty bucks! I love walmart! I cant wait to use these tomorrow for a crazy intense cardio then weight lifting session. I had such a fatty day today.

2011-03-14T00:55:00.000-07:00

contentment comes from unconditional love. When you love conditionally, you have to keep deciding if the other is worthy of your love. You can never let go of your guard enough to be content. Why not decide once and for all, and love once and for all. And be content.

Black Friday Lunch

2011-03-11T12:26:00.001-08:00

Wheat toast topped with peanut butter with extra omega 3 and berries and whey protein smoothie

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Japan

2011-03-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

Since yesterday during work Ive been feeling sad and having a bad feeling and i couldnt really understand why since everything seems to be getting better with all my personal problems, especially with my boyfriend. We've been working things out and slowly getting our relationship back on track. We have both been more respectful and considerate of each others needs and both willing to work things out the mature and loving way instead of screaming at each other all the time. So I know that I would feel happy that things are getting better between us. I've also been able to focus more on myself and be more independent without him. I'm not anxious anymore or its rare. I've been working out and eating healthy regularly. Work has been chill and a good way for me to get my mind off everything and just take care of my patients and learn something new each day. I'm finally figuring out my life and learning to save my money cause I really wanna go back to school maybe the end of next year. I'm learning to have more faith in GOD and not worrying or trying to figure everything out on my own anymore, learning to leave everything in HIS hands. I just couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. Then I started hearing about whats going on in Japan.

Last night I slept and woke up several times to several different kinds of nightmares none of which made any sense to me but I still had an overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread. Then I go on facebook and turn on the news and hear that now its going on in Hawaii and there are also warnings for California. I pray for all those out there suffering right now and for GOD to keep the rest of us safe. I always wondered about people talking about how the world would end in 2012 but I didnt know if i ever believed it. It just seems so crazy everything that is going on in the world right now. Earthquakes and tsunamis and who knows what else. I pray for GOD to be with us always and to have mercy on our souls.

Dinner

2011-03-10T21:28:00.001-08:00

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2011-03-09T20:56:00.001-08:00

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2011-03-09T20:53:00.001-08:00

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Healthy Living is NOT cheap!

2011-03-07T17:49:00.001-08:00

I dropped 140 bucks just on healthy food today. When i got home i spent some time preparing days worth of healthy meals since im gonna be working the rest of the week and will be busy. My bff was helping me out in the kitchen so it was super chill, i love her :) its ok its worth to stay fit and healthy. Now im at my aunts house spending time with my fam. What a great day off! Thank YOU LORD!

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Slowly but surely getting back up..

2011-03-06T21:51:00.000-08:00

Today I got up the nerve to tell him how I'm really feeling. I told him that I'm just so tired of playing these games and all the bs. I'm getting older and trying to get my life together. Go back to school and focus on improving myself. & that I'm just done with all the drama. I dont need this kind of stress. & I told him that I really thought it was for the best if we just take a break. A break from our constant fighting and let our wounds heal since every time we talk or see each other they just seem to get deeper. I really think its something that will open our eyes to what we really want and even help improve our relationship. He called me back and said that he was sorry and really wanted to work things out with me. He told me how he felt and for once was being respectful and a bit more open minded. which was all i ever wanted. We didnt get to finish our conversation cause his phone died but well continue tonight. I really hope we actually get somewhere.

Tomorrow I'm off. I'm gonna get up early and do my circuit and strength training exercises then take my whey protein and get ready for a day with my loves. First gotta stop by the bank then walmart and ralphs cause I have so much grocery shopping and necessities. I'm out of healthy food gotta stock up. Then go home and prepare a couple meals for the week so its quick and easy since I'm working the rest of the week. Meet up with my wifey who I havent seen in forever. Then meet up with my preggos cousin and head over to my aunts birthday party. I'm so excited cause I've seriously been hiding from the world for months now cause lf my bf issues. I gotta get back up and focus on myself and my life.

On Friday I'm really hoping to see my twinnie and angiepoo i miss those girls mad also! and also margie is preggos also I want to see how shes doing. lol. Right now im not even thinking of when im gonna see him or even asking him to come see me. I just dont want to stress anymore. Things will workout if its meant to be. & I'm learning more and more each day to walk with faith & not with sight. I trust in GOD and I know HE will take care of me.

currently reading

2011-03-05T22:23:00.001-08:00

Lately ive been reading alot of self improvement books on positive thinking and fitness and health. Lol. Theyre so inspirational and these days i would rather stay home and read these books then doll up, go out and shop.

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REUNITED

2011-03-04T23:49:00.001-08:00

Reunited and it feels so good :) my family is whole again. Thank YOU LORD for this amazing blessing and so much more!! I love YOU!

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2011-03-04T21:40:00.001-08:00

2011-03-04T21:38:00.001-08:00

A Little Getaway?

2011-03-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

Today at work, Christine and I were talking about just getting away from it all. From our boyfriend drama, work, school and all our problems. Going somewhere far from the valley, a totally different enviroment and a some place with a relaxing and good vibe. We were thinking Hawaii. Enjoy the waves and sun. Get ourselves a nice tan, enjoy the gorgeous scenery and explore. That sounds like Heaven. I just want to get away from everything. Just take a little break from life and all the things that I'm going through, especially with my boyfriend. Even just for one weekend. We were looking online for deals and tickets are up to 700 back and fourth just for the weekend but with hotel stay included. We dont want to tell anyone lol its just for us.

I realized I need to explore life and what else is out there. I don't mean that in a way where I need to explore what other guys out there. I want this to be a totally fullfilling and adventurous and rejuvenating experience just for myself. No men involved. Not even my boyfriend. I want to do this for myself. Let myself see the world and broaden my horizon and step out of my comfort zone. I need to do something for myself. As much as I love my boyfriend, my life cannot revolve around him. It's unhealthy and I need to find something that is just for myself. Find my own independence and my own way without him. Have my own life away from him. Cause my whole world is him. I think it will be healthier for both of us.

I really truly feel like we need a break. Some time to breathe and figure out what we want in life. I think it will be good for us. To get away from all the fighting and stress and pain we inflict upon each other all the time although its not intentional. We just cant seem to stop fighting. We are trying hard to work things out though because we love each other. It actually came down to the point where we are going to start taking couples therapy. We need to do something drastic. I love him and I'm willing to work my hardest and I just need him to do the same.

I really would love to go to Hawaii though. Just Christine and I. The point of this getaway is not to look for other men or party it up or see that theres more fish in the sea just because we are going through a rough patch in our relationships. But its simply for us. To take a break from all the stress in our lives right now and figure out what we want. Just for us. That would be so sooo awesome :)

I cant help it.. its still you.

2011-03-04T19:37:00.003-08:00

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Holding on till the end of Time.

2011-02-19T17:04:00.000-08:00

Things seem to be teeny bit better now but still far from where I want it to be. Still I am so ever thankful to my LORD for all HIS help and guidance. Thank you so much JESUS for making me stronger each day and deepening my faith and trust in YOU. For everything that I've learned and realized for the strength to keep going, GOD I praise you and thank you.

He's finally more willing to talk to me about our problems and more willing to work it out with me. He's starting to call me again and show some love and affection again. There is still so much to do and to fix in this relationship. & I'm doing all that I can. Praying every day every second for us. Really trying to understand his needs and wants from me. I'm seriously even reading books on how to make relationships work and tips on how to communicate better. I dont care I will do anything and all it takes to save my relationship. I'm still learning so much about myself and the things that I do wrong and things that I need to fix for him and for myself and for others. I just want to keep improving myself so I can further improve my relationship.

I love him. He's a beautiful person and I know and remember all the things he has done for me and for us so I will do the same for him. I love you Leelan Derick Manuel Rombaoa <3

:(

2011-02-15T10:37:00.001-08:00

The past 7 weeks have been the saddest and loneliest weeks of my life. Everything in my "relationship" seems to be falling apart. Ive tried my hardest to save us but it seems almost hopeless. I've stopped worrying and wondering about what to do. I'm gonna keep doing my best to make it workout and then leave the rest up to GOD. I'm so tired of thinking and being scared of whats gonna happen. I wish I could turn off my brain. Yesterday was our 6 year anniversary and valentines day. We weren't able to be together because he was in the hospital. Thank the LORD that hes ok. I know we're both just tired. Tired of our fighting, tired of the pain and misunderstanding and trust issues and all the unsolved problems and hurt. I feel like maybe real time apart is what we need. Time to figure out what we want, time apart to miss each other and learn to appreciate each other. Everytime I bring up something like that he gets upset that being apart is always my solution. That i never want to put in the real effort and time and hard work so that things can actually be fixed completely. But its so hard. It takes two people to make a relationship work. & I really feel like I'm on my own. He feels so justified and entitled to be right. That I'm the one who needs to work and show him change and all that. & I know he did alot of things for me also. But in reality I know it can never work unless we work together.
Love is forgiveness. Love is compassion and kindness. Love is never mean and cruel.

I've been such a total mess. I finally lost the weight I've been trying to lose forever cause I've been too sad to eat. My face looks like its aged years. I haven't gone out or done anything I like to do. I sleep with my mom every night

It's Like Moving Mountains

2011-01-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

Since this new year has started I've been slacking off with my healthy lifestyle cause I've been so preoccupied with trying to fix things between him and I. Today I finally had it. I cant believe he had the nerve to tell me that I didnt love him. That I was to weak to try with him, when this whole time Ive been standing by his side fighting for us, trying to reach out to him. Trying so hard to save us. I'm done. If he cared about us he would fight for us too. But he gave up, hes not worthy. & he just doesnt deserve me and my love anymore.

Today was another fail with eating healthy and working out. I had such a hard time at work trying to concentrate, trying to figure out what to do with us. I've been so off my A game. I know not exercising and eating crap adds on to my depression so I just gotta stop. I wanted to much to improve even more this year. I tried so hard to save and improve this relationship but he just left me abandoned. Now its time to focus on myself. Tomorrow. No not tomorrow. Right now I will be the great Michelle I've been again. I will stay fit and healthy and not waste all the efforts and progress I've made so far. I'm gonna keep going, with or without him. I need to find myself again, away from him.

Its like whatever I do
Just cant get through to you

I lost my way, he said hed stay
And lately I been sleeping with a ghost
My stock is down and out
I used to be worth my weight in gold

That was before the great depression kicked in and rocked us
And that was before the hurricane came in and stopped us
I told you to leave but you lied to me when you said that
Baby, no worries, I promise to get us back

I know sorries, just wouldnt do it
My heart is obliterated, Im trying to travel through
But its like moving mountains
Its like moving mountains

But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
Then the sky turns gray
And the water from the rain washes progress away
Its like moving mountains
Its like moving mountains

Why you just leave me, just leave me be
Just leave me, just leave me be
Why you just leave me, just leave me be
Why you just leave me, just leave me be

he dont touch me, I dont touch him
We aint really ever say a word
I really wanna give him everything he deserves
But the bad took away all the good

he thinks that Im full of it, arguments
Always pissed, man Im tired
Every kiss that I miss
Boy you know Im trying

You never believe when I say
And I never believe it when you say
I love you, and I shouldnt complain about it
I should take it like a woman and walk up out it

Cause we will never be the same
Ive been standing in gas
And you have been the flame

This must be a slow death that I'm traveling on
It feels so wrong, I'm barely holding on
See no matter what it takes, I've gotta get it together

And these hills that I'm traveling up
he ain't showing me love, I'm down on my luck
Im done.

So far..

2011-01-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

I havent worked out in 4 days and ive been eating gross and fatty foods. Not my best week but its ok. I know we all have our off days and cheat days. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Back on track with my healthy living. It started out on Saturday cause I was out all day with him having dinner and I let myself eat to enjoy our time together. We ended up having a HUGE HUGE fallout again and I was very sad the next couple of days which lead to me eating some more and trying to go out and take my mind off of everything and then eating SOME MORE. Yuck my bod feels gross. I cant wait to try my new workout shoes and easytone workout top tomorrow. I love how addicted i am to being healthy :)

So we had a huge fight again. He just wouldnt communicate with me and work it out with me. So I'm over it. I want to better my life and he does nothing but bring me down. If he doesnt want to try with me then theres no point in holding on any longer. I've cried enough tears for him.

2011 hasnt exactly started out as a great year but it will definitely get better because I say so and my mind is made up that it will be a great year. I can handle anything that comes my way.

It's been a week so far into the new year..

2011-01-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

Its been a week so far into the new year and I already lost a best friend. I'm tired of being lied to and being last on her list all the time. It sucks all the countless chances i gave her. I think its best if we just go our separate ways. No more of that to deal with. And im honestly over it. Its better off this way. It hurts now but in the long run atleast i wont get hurt anymore.

Its been a week so far into the new year and things between my boyfriend and i are not at their best at all. We didnt even wish each other a happy new year. I promised myself I would try no matter how hard it is. I just feel like hes being so unreasonable and really trying to abuse this. I'm really getting hurt by how mean hes being and i Just keep telling myself that I will deal with it, just like hes always dealt with me when I was mean to him. I just need to vent and let these feelings out somewhere cause I dont want to blow up on him and ruin all my efforts that I've made so far. He feels that he has every right to treat me this way cause I've treated him this way. It's so immature though. That attitude will never help this relationship better and he knows it. We need all the love and understanding and patience to be able to heal us and help fix our issues. This is just not how I wanted to start off this year. Being sad everyday that my bf is being so unreasonable and mean. That he barely even makes time for me. I just keep telling myself that if i put in all I have left, and keep giving him and giving him and trying and trying no matter how long it takes, in the long run it will help make things right and we can start to heal again. I hope it works out for us cause I really do love him and want to be with him. I just need the strength to keep going.

Today was a hectic day at work. The health department also paid us a a surprise visit. Omg nurses running around everywhere going crazy! It's ok we got through the day. Survey is just around the corner again so I have to prepare myself. The next few months are gonna be insane waiting for them to come. Its ok we are some bomb nurses we got this!

Pictures from the last couple months

2011-01-05T18:29:00.000-08:00

2011 = EVEN better me!

2011-01-05T18:02:00.000-08:00

2011 is finally here and im so excited! This year will be filled with alot of self improvement and im super happy to say that during the these last few months ive been doing extremely well with my personal goals. I've learned to be healthy and more active and now i actually enjoy it. Eating healthy and working out regularly makes me feel so good! All that junk i used to eat is almost all out of my system now. I let my self enjoy treat meals and snacks on occasion though. I've lost more weight and im only 7 lbs away from where i wanna be! Wooh! Yah it took me more than a year to drop the weight but I finally learned that healthy living shouldnt be just to lose weight for the mean time cause i will gain it all back. It def needs to be a lifestyle and I'm getting there. I feel more energetic and happy!

I've also stopped being SUCH A NEGATIVE NANCY AND DEBBIE DOWNER! lol I've learned to really love, enjoy and appreciate being a nurse along with the stress and pressure that comes with the job. It has made me more strong and on top of my game. I love my patients and I can HONESTLY say that I love helping the sick and those in need. Its not all about the money. I love my coworkers and my morning shift. I no longer feel so anxious, overwhelmed and dreading to go to work. Ive learned to have more faith in GOD and just stop worrying and being so negative. As soon as i feel down or stressed or think negative things i can stop myself immediately and fill my mind with thoughts of love, faith, courage and joy. Being positive is much easier for me now even though sometimes I have to work harder than other times.

Ive learned to be more humble and accept my faults and flaws. Most especially right now in my relationship. I made the decision that no matter how much it hurts me, how unfair it may seem, i am going to be completely selfless and just give my boyfriend what he is asking for instead of whining about what I need in this relationship. I can look at the good in him instead of the bad and use that to make me strong. I know how to stop being defensive and im learning to open up my mind and listen to his needs and feelings. I promised myself and him that no matter how long it takes, i will keep trying. Things between us wont be solved or fixed over night and i promised i wont just try to take the easy way out or try for a week and get fed up. i will put my whole heart into and not even think of myself anymore. i would do anything for us. im just happy that ive matured enough to not just be selfish and learn to see his views instead of my own.

This year will be dedicated to improving even more all of the above. Along with really saving up my money and start saving up for school and a car. Last year i didnt save anything. i shopped, went out and had fun. but now its time to get serious and learn to stop spending so much. I really want to go back to school and go further in my career.

2011 = an even better michelle, in every possible aspect :) woohhh here i comee!

2010-12-01T20:13:00.001-08:00

You have to get hurt. Thats how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. Because they've decided that they're not going to let anything hold them down, they're showing the world whose boss.

I promise to ..

2010-11-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

-be healthier and more active with exercising
-be more positive
-be proactive instead of reactive
-be nicer and patient with my boyfriend
-stop letting my job and the stress that comes with it control my life
-have more faith in GOD
-stop worrying and stressing out so much on unnecessary things
-be happy <3
-take better care of my room and house
-be more organized
-take better care of myself
-stop my negative way of thinking
(eating, working out, my job, etc.)

2010-10-27T23:00:00.001-07:00

Hold on to my hand and walk with me. Do not let go of my hand when you feel tired, just keep moving forward. God will be your strength and He will truly advise you along the way.

Random Flicks

2010-10-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

Recently..

2010-10-25T19:18:00.001-07:00

I'm so excited for my new mattress to come in! I got a Regency Ortho mattress plushtop in a full. It's supposed to be a doctor recommended bed for people with back problems. I've been sleeping on the floor for the past 3 nights and tonight will be the 4th. My bed is supposed to come tomorrow between 2pm to 6pm. I'm nervous I might miss the delivery cause I wont even be home till 4pm! I hope it works out cause I really dont want to have to sleep on the floor again another night! The bed I got is super comfy and plush. Perfect for resting and cuddling with my boyfriend :)

I'm super proud of myself cause I've been doing a lot better at work. I've been improving and learning a lot of new things each day. I can handle the pressures and responsibilities of being a nurse now. Unlike before I always come home so depressed and burnt out. I'm so happy and feel so blessed to have a good job, an awesome schedule, and for the fact that I can help those in need. I honestly think that GOD put me in this profession to take care of his sick people. Even though this wasnt really what I wanted to do with my life. I can help those in need, help my family out with bills and spoil myself and my loved ones. I'm so greatful :) Thank You LORD for all my blessings.

My family and I moved into our new apartment this weekend and we all love it so much! It feels so homey and it feels like this is where we belong. Unlike the house we were renting I always felt unsettled and uncomfortable there. Now I know its cause we were not meant to be there for long. My room is almost set up and complete I'm just waiting for my bed to come in. Our kitchen and living room is pretty big and I love the fact that we have carpet again. At the other house we had wood and I never liked wooden floors. And it makes me happy that my family loves this place just as much as I do. I can't wait to have the rest of the family come over for a housewarming!

2010-10-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

EVERYDAY I THINK OF SUCCESS! (See your goal, Understand the obstacles, Clear your mind of doubt, Create a positive mental picture, Embrace the challenge, Stay on track, Show the world you can do it)

This week

2010-10-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

My week has been so tiring and stressful. I worked a full 6 days straight and even though I had two days off after, all of wednesday I was out with my girls for my bffs birthday& thursday I was with my boyfriend. Today till next wednesday I'm working for another 6 days straight. I've been so burnt out. Even as exhausted as I am from work I still go home and exercise right away. I think I'm so physically drained where I feel like I'm getting sick. & this stress also made me eat again :(

For the past 3 days I ate bad. Of course I'm disappointed in myself. I was doing pretty well! I really really need to get it together. I think I just feel sad & lonely alot of the time so I dont always feel as driven as much. i miss being my positive happy self. WTF is wrong with me? ughh I guess theres nothing I can do but get back on track and try again.

So my family and I are moving for the second time in less than one year. It's an apartment this time but way cheaper than our house and its so much nicer and pretty big. It's also very close to me & my mom's work so we'll also be saving on gas. I'm so excited! I guess there was always a reason why I never felt settled and at home at this place. The apartment has more of my homey vibe to it. I love that its carpet my the high ceiling. & I love how i get the master bedroom with a balcony! hahaha. We are moving in 3 weeks which means I need to start packing now.

Pics from Wifey's birthday:

Happy Birthday Wifey!

2010-09-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

Happy happy 22nd birthday wifey! Thanks for being the greatest bff Jardine & I can ask for! cant wait for your wedding day in December & more adventures & memories together :) I love you!

Flicks

2010-09-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

Bff & I after a great workout!

Meeeee :)

I hate being fat!

2010-09-22T20:27:00.001-07:00

I dont know why I feel so down right now. I'm thinking maybe I'm just enjoying my days off that I dont feel like going back to work & waking up all early again lol. And also this whole trying to lose weight thing is just so frustrating! I take one step forward & then 3 steps back. I'm so annoyed with myself that I cant stay consistent.

Every time I feel the least bit of stress or sad or whatever negative feeling my instant thought is that I need comfort food. I'm tired of blogging about my weight issues. I just want to be able to say that I am finally at my goal weight & that I'm staying consistent with it!! Even when I lose it I know I have to make life long changes. I cant eat the same junk food & fast food I always do. I have to eat better from here on, even after I get to my goal. I have to make working out part of my life. Thats why as soon as my boyfriend moves back to the valley I'm getting a gym membership cause Ill have a ride & a workout buddy. Doing insanity everyday is to tiring although I love the results I get from it. But to stay consistent & keep working out from here on I want to get a gym membership. My best friend's wedding is in 2 months. I have to drop as much as I can! I'm so sick of whining but I really needed to vent.

Like today I had such an AWESOME workout. Like the best. & it went down the drain after I had a burger, fries, soda, & ice cream :( ughhhh! It's just food! I need to find something else that relieves my stress! I want to be able to wear whatever I want without worrying if I can fit or if it will look good on me or not cause im chubby. Omg they werent lying when they said the last 10 lbs are the hardest to lose. I've been trying to drop this last 10 lbs for like how many months now?!? Like I'm ok I'm not as chubby as I was before but I just want to be at my ideal weight already. :(

2010-09-22T01:26:00.001-07:00

Be grateful for each new day and go forward with love and joy in your heart. Each
new day is a blessing from God, so be thankful and use your hands and voice for Christ.

2010-09-21T13:49:00.001-07:00

LET GO AND LET GOD ♥ breakdowns create breakthroughs, positive thoughts create positive outcomes.

Famz Time

2010-09-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

Today seemed like such a long day at work cause I've been so upset with my boyfriend issue again. It dragged on & I finally got off and got to spend some time with my family since it was my uncle's birthday. I got to spend time with my baby cousins who I miss so much ! I wish we were still neighbors. We played tennis, took a walk, ate yummy filipino food, told scary stories & other fun things. I love being with those kids. I can spend all day in bed with them just watching movies & I would feel so content. I wish we could've stayed longer but everyone has work in the morning including myself.

Taking a walk with my loves

I feel so extra motivated to drop weight & get super toned & fit after I saw my old classmates pictures from a trip to the Bahamas she went to. OMG homegirls body is crackin! I am so jello! Like rock hard fit & I defintly want to get on that fit wagon. I've been slacking a bit since my boyfriend has been home but I am on it tomorrow.

I've also been thinking about taking some time away from him right now. It hurts so much feeling like he just doesnt care about me and my needs but I'm supposed to take care of all his. I cant take the pain & I need to remember how to be independent and happy on my own again.

So Numb.

2010-09-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

I dont know why I even bother & waste my time. It's always the same meaningless and weak efforts. He does nothing to show me that he still cares & will try to understand my views and needs also. I'm starting to forget why I kept fighting for so long in spite of our issues. I feel myself starting not to care and not even being bothered as much by things he does that usually hurt me. What do I do? Wait it out and see if it gets any better? Even though it NEVER does. I guess thats all I can do for now.

Upcoming Events :)

2010-09-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

The end of the year is coming up once again which means there are so many events that I need to look good & be in shape for! This year :

September 22 - BFF's 22nd birthday
October 31 - Halloween
November 30 - My 22nd birthday
December 6 - My BFF's wedding!! :)
December 24 - Christmas Celebration with the family

Of course the holidays but i'll add more if anything else comes up. I really want to look good for the holidays this year! Last year I was such a fat lard. Yuck. I'm glad I'm alot smaller but I am still not where I wanna be. Me & 3 of my other girlfriends are all doing insanity lol. So it will be fun working out together & keeping each other on track. I want to actually dress up for Halloween. Nothing to slutty cause my boyfriend will trip but something sexy enough ;) I haven't dressed up for Halloween for like 3 to 4 years now. & now that I'm grown & working I wanna go all out.

I am so excited for my bestie's wedding! As the maid of honor you KNOW i need to look my best. hahaha. She wants me to wear a long dress instead of short which always makes me look fatter since I'm short so I gotta really workout & eat right! I am so psyched! There's going to be a big ceremony & music and yummy food & the whole wedding shabang. I have to start looking for a dress soon but since its not till December I want to lose weight first before I buy a dress. I need to work on my speech! Omg I get so stage fright though! lol

I dont know what I want to do for my birthday yet.. I'm really not into drinking & partying anymore so I'm thinking just have dinner somewhere nice with my boyfriend & close homies. I'm thinking Yamashiro restuarant in Hollywood? I wanna go just for the beautiful atmosphere. I don't even know if the food is good but whatever I want to try something different for once.

Anyways I'm super excited :) I love the end of the year! The weather & the holidays! I cant wait to start wearing scarves & boots again.

Baby's Home :)

2010-09-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

It feels so good to have my boyfriend back in my arms again :) I've missed him so much! I know people were telling me to have fun & enjoy while hes away. "Out of sight out of mind," but thats just not how I felt. This time apart just made me realize how much I really do love him. Even if all we do is fight. Even if I had to spend my whole life arguing all the time I wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world. When he got home we still fought most of the time. hahaha. But even still, being in his arms again & kissing those lips again omgggg... :) it felt so good. Tomorrow im spending another day with my love.

Last Days of Summer..

2010-08-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

Sis and i

2010-08-23T21:03:00.001-07:00

4 More days :)

2010-08-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Just 4 more days until the love of my life comes home to me :) I'm so anxious the days are going by even slower even though its so much closer now. I'm doing everything I can to get prepared. His birthday is tomorrow so I have to still get him a few bday surprises. I need to get as tight & fit as I can! For his birthday I will treat him to whatever he wants & do whatever he wants. Maybe some sushi or korean bbq? But at a nice place where we can get dressy. OMG I cannot wait to see my boo again! Yayy!

I'm so proud of myself cause for the first time in almost a year that I've been TRYING to lose weight this is honestly the FIRST time where I and everyone around me can see huge differences. I want my boyfriend to be drooling when he sees me lol. It feels so good! All my clothes fit so much looser. My muffin tops are not bulging over my pants anymore. My arms are more toned & skinnier but yet I still have my thickness. I want to lose weight but I dont want to lose my curves. Insanity is AMAZING! & my diet is the biggest part. I dont eat past 1200 calories a day plus my insane workouts 4 to 6 days a week. I will lose the rest in no time! Holllerrr!!

RIght now I'm just waiting for my girlfriends Angie & Jonilyn to scoop me up to hang out for a bit. I need to be home early though cause I have work in the morning. But after work tomorrow I will be with my besties Sol & hopefully Jardine too. We need to run around doing errands & preparing for when my boyfriend gets home! I still need to find a super cute outfit & I still need to prepare for his birthday. On wednesday I might beach it with my friends or just chill with my sister. Probably shop & eat out, our usual. Thursday probably stay home & lounge around, rest up for another long couple days of work, then my boo will be home on Saturday :)

My ride or dies forrreeaalllll

2010-08-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

Things are Finally Looking up :)

2010-08-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

Thank GOD for getting me through these past couple weeks with my boyfriend being gone. He will be home in 1 week and 3 days :) It has been absolute torture! The first time I actually loved going to work cause it kept my mind off of him. I can't wait to jump into his arms when he comes home to me! We have so much to make up for while he was away. His birthday, our summer together. OMG I cant wait! I'm trying to get as tight as I can before he gets here. Him being gone I think was actually the motivation I needed to REALLY step up it up with losing weight. & now that I'm seeing awesome results I will want to stick with it even when hes home already.

Work has been so great recently. After almost a year of working there I finally feel ok & at peace with all the issues I had. THANK GOD. I actually look forward to going to work now. Yay! I'm so happy. Then my boyfriend will be moving back to the valley by the end of this year so we can see each other more often now. Everything is looking up :)

Today I'm gonna go out with my bffs and just have some girl time. All I've been doing while my boyfriend is away is stay home and mope around missing him. I have to get out & enjoy life! Plus I miss my bffs I rarely ever get to see them anymore. I love them! They're the only ones who cared how lonely I've been & been here for me while my bf is gone, them & my sister also. My sis and I watched The Other Guys & shopped last night. It was chill & the movie was hilarious! It is my new fave comedy. I love Mark Wahlberg & Will Ferrell. hahaha anyways Ill blog more when I get the chance. I need to get ready for a day out with my loves.

That time of the month :(

2010-08-04T19:33:00.001-07:00

I miss my boyfriend so much I feel like my heart is being torn in two :( I was ok at first and hes been gone for about 5 days now and its getting harder each time. Still 3 weeks & 3 days till he comes home to me. I feel like I'm surrounded by all these fake people. He was the only real thing I have, and hes not even here with me. It hurts so much. I feel so lonely. I promised him that when he got back he would see good changes in me. For one, that I lost some weight and also got some of my issues together. It's just hard to focus when I feel this sad. & on top of this it's also gonna be that time of the month. So im an emotional wreck right now. I was doing well this week working out and eating better but today was such a total fail. I didnt workout & of course I pigged out. I cant let all this get me down! I want to be better & stronger & happier! As much as I love my boyfriend I dont want my life to be focused totally on him. I need to be able to be happy without him also.. I dont know. Im trying so hard to get all my issues straight with myself. Im so depressed right now thinking that I will never be able to change these things about myself. What is wrong with me?! I made a goals book that I told myself I would read everyday so that I can constantly have in mind what I want to change and better about myself, it helps alot when I write down what I want to change. I just feel super sad today for some reason.

I am going to stop worrying & stressing out now. I know everything will fall into place as they always do. God is with me. HE will guide me on the right path. Please LORD give me strength right now. I love you.

2010-07-30T21:28:00.001-07:00

Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends. You gain friends. You realize your friend wasn’t ever really your friend, and that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love. You realize all long that you’ve been loved. You laugh. You cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this, you do that. You really wish you hadn’t done that. You then learn from that and glad that you did. You have your ups. You have your downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You wonder if your life is just one big movie. You look at others and wish you were them. You then realize who they are and are glad that you’re you. You love life. You hate life. In the end, you just find yourself happy to be living life.

2010-07-30T19:02:00.001-07:00

In order for healings to occur, you must be willing to pick up your cross each new
day. Jesus is truly by your side, so do not allow fear to enter your heart. Be brave and pray for those who do not want the truth to be made known. Be brave and listen to my Son and allow Him to use you each new day. Through obedience and a listening heart, souls will be saved.

2010-07-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

Not a single salty tear
not a feelin in my chest
baby i'm feelin no stress I'M TOO FLY TO BE DEPRESSED ♥

Disneyland.

2010-07-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Derick & I finally went to Disneyland & it was such a FAIL! lol. Butch & Jonilyn ended up not even coming with us cause they were having their own problems. We went & it was soo unbelievably hot and crowded! The only reason why I chose to go on a weeknd was cause I thought that was the only time they were gonna show the fire works and they ended up canceling it anyways! We didn't ride any of the good rides like Magic Mountain cause the lines were so long and when we did get in line they told us it was closed! lol omg literally the most fun we had was when we were sitting in the shade with a cold beverage and food! lol. We realized we are NOT a theme park couple. We just don't have the patience for it. We will stick to our regular movie & dinner nights and shopping sessions lol. But even though things didn't go according to plan, I was still happy to be with the love of my life <3

There is a longing.

2010-07-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

There is a longing in our hearts, O Lord,
for you to reveal yourself to us.
There is a longing in our hearts
for love we only find in you, our God.

For justice, for freedom,
for mercy: hear our prayer.
In sorrow, in grief:
be near, hear our prayer, O God.

For wisdom, for courage,
for comfort: hear our prayer.
In weakness, in fear:
be near, hear our prayer, O God.

For healing, for wholeness,
for new life: hear our prayer.
In sickness, in death:
be near, hear our prayer, O God.

Lord save us, take pity,
light in our darkness.
We call you, we wait:
be near, hear our prayer, O God.

Happy Birthday Margie!

2010-07-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to one of my favorite girls ever! I love you mama!!

My essentials.

2010-07-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

My absolute necessities. I dont know how I would survive without all this stuff! lol

If time stood still..

2010-07-14T19:38:00.001-07:00

I finally have some room & time to myself right now cause my sister is out with a friend. Im bumping paramore right now & just relaxing. Work today was pretty chill. I found a way to do my work & manage my time so that I dont end up standing for hours & just being so tired. I was able to sleep well last night thank GOD. I felt my body shutting down on me. It felt so nice to be rejuvenated. Working as a nurse can be so hard & stressful sometimes. I'm happy that I'm getting the hang of it. That I can handle any situation & still be calm. It was so hard at first. Thank YOU GOD for always keeping me strong.

Missin you..

I miss Derick so much. lol look how goofy we are. He's been gone for two days so far at Sacramento preparing for his field training in August. They took his phone so I havent been able to talk to him. Omg I dont even know how Ill be able to handle it when he leaves. Hell be gone for a month. NO phone, no internet, nothing. Only letters. Im gonna be so sad I dont even know how to get through my days without him :( I was crying yesterday thinking about it. But thankfully, my work actually helps. Yeah, I probably wont feel like going but atleast when im there, I get distracted & it wont hurt so much. I only have two more weeks with him before he leaves. This weekend I'm not gonna let go of him even for a minute. Friday he's all mines. I want to shop & go to our favorite korean bbq for dinner. Then Saturday Disney is finally here! We've been together for 5 years & weve never even been to a theme park together. We're double dating with Butch & Jo. It should be fun but probably gonna be so hot. I felt like I stepped into an oven when I walked out of work today! This heat is insane!

I hate being surrounded by negativity & girls. One main reason I DONT get along with girls is cause a lot of them dont know how to keep their mouths shut. Its so annoying. Always talking shit about people when who are they to judge? I wish people could just be mellow & humble & accept people for how they are. No one is perfect. I dont understand why girls feel the need to be mean all the time. This is why I only have a couple girlfriends. I mostly just get along with guys. Like for one thing, I am always judged. I always hear that I'm a stuck up conceited bitch when I'm actually super goofy & clutsy & nice! & I'm ony mean if someone is being mean to me obviously. I just wish this world was filled with more love. It sucks sometimes.

I barely started getting back on track AGAIN with my working out & eating right yesterday. I feel good though. My body doesnt feel as jiggly, I feel more motivated. I need to lose this weight while my sister is here for the summer & is down to workout with me everyday! I finally have a workout buddy & ive been lazy to workout! Plus when my boyfriend comes home in the end of August, I want him to come home to a hot girlfriend. lol I want to get back to this size.

2010-07-12T13:53:00.001-07:00

Trials will come and go, so please stay strong and prayerful. Stay close to Jesus and turn to Him for answers. God will truly light the way, so please seek His counsel so you do not become discouraged.

More Summer Fun!

2010-07-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was so chill. Me, my boyfriend & a bunch of friends had a little pool party. We swam all day and grubbed on chips & pizza. Butch loves me so he bought me my favorite cherry coke even though i was like the only one who drank it lol. We were swimming for so long we were so pruney when we got out! lol. I chilled & chit chatted with Butch's gf Jonilyn. I loveee her! Lol & also with all my favorites Margie & Angie. We wrestled & played games & it was so fun! Here are some pics.

Afterwards we just had a movie night at Butchs's again! That place almost feels like my 2nd home hahaha. The girls & I ended up picking a cheesy home made horror flick since we've seen everything else. The boys kept suggesting Forrest Gump! Omg weirdos. lol Jonilyn & I were planning our Disneyland double date this Saturday & what were gonna wear and what were gonna do with our hair. I Know were just going to Disney but omg we still have to look cute! lol. Hahaha then went to get some tacos before they took me home cause I had work this morning. What a chill summer day :)

Couples movie night at butchs!

Starting to feel like Summer...

2010-07-04T17:49:00.000-07:00

This summer has already started out so awesome & memorable. I've been doing the typical summer things with my friends over the past couple of weeks. It feels so amazing. I never really got to do these things as much cause I always had strict parents or I was always busy with school.

On wednesday I grabbed brunch with Jardine at Chili's and caught up a bit. I miss her a lot. We haven't seen each other as much since I got into the arguement with Sol. After we ate we just shopped around the mall & found some good discounts at Bath & Body works. After that she dropped me off at Margie's house. Margie, Angie, Jerrell & I hopped in her car & went to grab some yogurt. Gossiped lol. I have so much fun with those two. We went to Butch's pad after wards & chilled there the rest of the night.

The next day my boyfriend & friends hit the beach. It was literally like the perfect summer day. Watching the boys surf in their skin tight wetsuits was PRICELESS. Dex & Julius crack me up so much! lol. The girls & I mostly just laid on our blankets & soaked up the sun. Relaxing on the beach is so awesome I felt like I was in Heaven. My mind felt so free for the first time in so long. We tried to tan but we ended up just getting sunburned lol. The boys caught a dead jellyfish. I took a million pictures. I was the photographer of the day. I met & LOVE Butch's girlfriend Jonilyn. She's super sweet. & I swear she & butch are like a mini me & derick. In almost every aspect. We have a lot in common. & Derick & butch are cousins so they're already pretty alike. And just the way they are together, they way they mess around & cuddle & act with each other is almost exactly like me & derick. They were so adorable lol. I'm glad we have someone to double date with now! lol After the beach we hit this mexican food place & talked about the past. & told dumb embarassing stories about each other since we all knew each other since middle school.. except for Jonilyn. After eating we all went home to get showered & dressed since hitting the movies was next on our list. That didn't pull through though. We just ended up chillin at Butch's AGAIN. That's our spot for sure. Then grabbed a late dinner at Sanams.

Butch & his gf Jonilyn. A mini me & derick lol.

We were supposed to party for Dex's going away on Friday but things didn't pull through with my gfs & I so we all decided not to go. I'm sad cause I didnt get to say bye to Dex. We were never really close but chillin with him that one day was just so super chill & hes a cool guy. So ill def miss him. Especially since he'll be gone for 4 years.

& everything else that I've been up to has been fun. I'm so happy about my morning schedule so now I can see my loved ones & enjoy things like this more often. I haven't felt this happy in so long. Thank you LORD! I love YOU!

Me & my gfs are planning a bbq & swimming sometime this week & disneyland in two weeks with butch & jonilyn! Super excited!! Can't wait!

So Much to Look Forward To!

2010-06-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited im finally gonna get my nails done tomorrow! They look so gross and I want really cute mani and pedi for summmaa time baby! I bought some cute rompers for the beach and some cute tops. I really want to go all out this summer especially since I'm making my own money this time. & since I have the morning shift now! Yay thank You Lord once again!

I already requested a weekend off in July so me and my boyfriend can go to Disneyland! Omg I've been wanting to go forever! I haven't been there since I was 7 or 8? Then this thursday I'm gonna go beach bummin with my bf and a few friends & then go hiking afterwards. Should be fun! I think this saturday is Dex's going away party too. I can't get wasted though cause I have work the next morning. I'll just get a little buzz since it's so boring being at a party & everyone else is wasted except you. I'm just super hyped! I'm over being this little pusssy grandma. Omg I want to have adventures and go all out! :)

As of right now me and him are fighting AGAIN. I'm so annoyed cause I keep trying to make it better & he still won't get over it and just help me make it better. I dont want to fight anymore. He might be going to field training for all of August and do we really want to spend our last month together before he leaves fighting? Ughhh. I dont know what to do. I hope this doesnt ruin all our plans. I was so looking forward to all our plans and having fun before he leaves. I just want it to be ok already between us. We know we have communication problems so why make it worse by clicking on each other & all this other bs. Like cmon just talk it out with me & lets make it right ! It's not that hard! Ughhh

Tonight I'm working the 11pm to 7am shift again then I'm finally off tomorrow. I'm gonna grab lunch & get my nails did with my bff. I haven't seen her in forever so yee I'm excited! We have to catch up and figure out what I'm gonna do with my situation with my other friend right now.

Eclipse is coming out too & I really have to see it! I also really want to watch Toy story 3 & Grown ups. I haven't been to the movies since I watched Shrek the FInal Chapter with my brother.

I feel so crappy cause I had suchh a bomb workout with my sister yesterday & since I got so upset about fighting with my bf again I ended up grubbing out crazy the rest of the day & even into my night shift!! What a waste of our pure cardio & cardio abs session! So today I woke up like at 3 pm & called him to STILL try to make it work and he was still being an ass. So I was like whatever then. But now I feel a bit too sad and drained to workout again plus my sister is being bummy & lazy too. I need someone to workout with for more motivation! I want to be fit & ripped! I have to atleast eat good all day today & NOTHING fattening. I just had subway 6 inch for dinner. I'm about to have some chocolate soy milk for a snack. Yummm soy milk I loves.

I can't be too down right now. I'm really trying to get back to the happy, positive & confident me. The one who was down for anything. The me BEFORE I started working & having so much responsibilities. I don't want to feel so down about myself anymore! Forrealll I'm comin back hard. I'm DONE being an old nana! I want to have fun & go crazy!! & seriously I could care less what ANYONE thinks of me. I just do me yah digg!?

This is my inspirational board. lol I have to surround myself with positive thoughts.

My new baby

2010-06-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

I decided to splurge on myself and get the burberry bag I've been wanting. I love burberry cause not too many people have it so its not played out and its more classy and sophisticated looking. I've always liked the plaid look. I love it!

Anyways, I haven't felt this fugly in so long even when I was 20 lbs fatter. I mean I think I lost weight and im pretty close to my goal weight, like ten lbs away. But Ughh I feel so fugly! I feel like not even attractive at all. I feel so fugly that I get in shock when I actually see a guy checking me out. I hate feeling this way.. I just feel like crap about myself. I hope that when I lose the rest of this fatness I'll feel better about myself. I think I just want to be my ideal size again and I'm getting so frustrated cause I cant stay consistent. Seriously, fuck it. I gotta get back to the better, confident me. I'm usually super conceited I'm not gonna lie. Atleast happy with my looks and content. I'm just tripping over nothing its all in my head. I go through these weird phases sometimes but Ill get over it. Whatever I'm a hot confident bitch! Fuck the haters!

My usual photoshoots lol

2010-06-25T12:33:00.001-07:00

2010-06-25T12:02:00.001-07:00

& when it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I am already better than them ♥

2010-06-25T11:59:00.001-07:00

2010-06-25T11:49:00.001-07:00

Love me or hate me. I promise you won't make me or break me, yah digg?

2010-06-25T11:40:00.001-07:00

Summer is finally here!

2010-06-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a lot of fun. First I woke up lounged around with my morning coffee while watching Spongebob and then my sis and I got our workout on! Flicks before our workout.

I spent the day with my boyfriend. We went to his doctors appointment, ran some errands then had an early dinner at our fave thai restaurant. I love our dates especially when were not fighting lol. We have such a good time. Here's a flick of us before we left.
Afterwards we went to chill with Margie & Angie at Butch's pad. It was super chill yet fun. We just played video games and messed around the whole evening. Its starting to feel like summmaa time :) Yay im excited!

Anyways Im so happy about my new schedule at work. Thank you LORD for another amazing blessing! I love you!

Throwback Pics.

2010-06-23T01:07:00.000-07:00

Me and my boyfriend during the first months of our relationship lol

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs!

2010-06-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

I just want to yell and cuss at the top of my lungs!! He's such an inconsiderate selfish asshole! OMGGG. So what else is new? Yes were fighting again and I dont give a fuck anymore. I wont care for someone who doesn't care for me. I miss out on so many beautiful things in life cause half the time I'm sad cause were always argueing. I let myself get fucked up and turn into a mess.

Like today I ate In n out and ice cream when Ive been doing so well with dieting. I was to lazy and out of it to workout. I didnt feel like going out with my gfs. All i want to do is stay in bed, turn off my phone and just forget about reality and my responsibilities and all the bull and just be happy in my own little world. I did turn off my phone and it did give me a sense of peace. Like shutting out everything and just focus on me. Until I turned it back on and got a message from work telling me I had to come into work tonight. I told them I cant come in cause Im babysitting but now I have to work tomorrow when I was supposed to be off. Ughhh.

Idk what to do with myself. I want to shop but I need to save money esp cause my aunt is coming from Chicago next week to visit so of course I need to take her out.

I just want some peace in my life! I'm done with the fighting and the stress and all of it. I just want peace.

Triple Night

2010-06-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

I spent the past 3 nights with my boyfriend. Good cause we needed the time together to get past all our issues and remember how much we love each other. Thursday night he surprised me by showing up at my house even though we were fighting so that we can make it right. I love it when he does romantic things like that. It was super sweet. On Friday we watched my brothers graduation then went to chill at his cousins pad. All his cousins are back in town including Mike and Dex so they were drinking up while I was the only sober one. & like the only chick there. Today we just ran some errands and stayed in for a movie night. We watched Shutter Island. It wasn't as dope as I thought it would be but whatever. I'm always down to watch a thriller/horror flick.

Last night I actually let myself stay out late even though I had work this morning. So yee thats progress with my weird obsession with time and rest! I'm feeling more down to do things and optimistic so Im glad. Omg I have to get back to the chill optimistic go with the flow me!

Monda back to working out with my sistaahh!. Im glad Ive been doing good and staying consistent with my diet but I have not worked out in a week cause Im getting sick and I feel super gross. Monday im on it.

I need to stop spending moneyy! I need to buy a car and I want to go back to school soon. I really have been wanting to get the burberry bag. Maybe that will be my last big splurge and ill start saving from there. Yah I think so. Oh yah and Disneyland in July. I havent been there since I was 7 or something Im so excited!

Photobooth flick with my boo

2010-06-19T23:44:00.001-07:00

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being. Give some of that weight where it belongs, - to God, and have faith that what happens is for the best, whether you understand it or not.

Pictures

2010-06-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Old Nana

2010-06-17T20:40:00.001-07:00

I've been in such a bad mood since yesterday and today. I even went shopping hoping it would make me feel better and it didn't. The necklace I wanted from Tiffany & Co. wasn't as cute as it was online. So I just got some blush, brow powder from Anastacia at Sephora and a cute white polo top. So shopping today was blahh. I realy wanted to get the burberry handbag I've been wanting or a marc jacobs one but I can't blow too much cash right now. i need to save up for a car.

Theres just so many things right now bugging me. Of course once again I'm fighting with my bf. Nothing new but it still sucks when I miss him a lot. Theres are so many fees that I cant stand at all. No wonder I rarely have any girlfriends. I stress so much on my time resting before I have work again that I forget to LIVE. Im such a nana lately. All I wanna do is stay home and relax. Now that I have the money and privilege to do whatever I want and go out whenever I dont feel like it. I'm missin out on so much just cause I over think too much. I'm young I can handle not resting all day and just sleeping for a bit before work. I dont know whats wrong with me. Why do I make everything so difficult? I was stressed out today after the mall cause I wanted to be home by 4 and it was traffic. & just so I could get into bed to watch movies the rest of the evening. There's something wrong with me seriously.

I need to stop & just live it up. I CAN'T let work take over my life. What's the point of working and having money when I cant even go out and spend it on things I enjoy just cause I feel like I need to be in bed all day to be rejuvenated? Ughhhh. & summer is here. I gotta stop whining get out of bed, workout and just have fun. Whats the point of everything if I dont? I know thats part of the reason why I've been sad & stressed out. Ok from now on I'm gonna drop all this negativity and just be positive and happy me again. Another downfall for me but I always get back up stronger. Thank you LORD for guiding me always. I love you.

2010-06-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths that you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away

Photobooth Fun

2010-06-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

NOT such a great day.

2010-06-17T00:56:00.000-07:00

Omg Im so annoyed. Ughh. My boyfriend is such a pain in my ass. And other bitches get on my nerves. I'm in such a bad mood i need to turn this shit around before I shoot a bitch.

Work today was tiring. My patients kept buzzing and we had an admission that came 30 minutes before we clocked out. I had to stay a bit late for the body assessment. Whatevers atleast im off today. Im gonna fuckin go out and shop away my problems. This is why im so broke all the time. But i just need to get away. I cant turn to my boyfriend for shit right now cause hes all caught up in his own drama and selfish needs. & i really want this dove necklace at tiffany & co. its so cute and looks exactly like that tatt i want to get on my shoulder.

I think were doing pretty well on our survey. Im glad I wasnt around to mess anything up. I hope they leave soon so everyone can just relax for the rest of the year already.

I havent worked out much this week cuz i felt like i was getting sick but i havent been eating either and im still makin progress. My co workers are already complimenting on how i lost some weight. I need to workout though. I feel so jiggily when I dont.

Anyways, I just want to get over this and feel better. I wish I could turn to my boyfriend right now but whatever. I can handle this on my own.

fugly me :(

2010-06-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm so depressed right now cause im a fat fugly whore! Ughh I've been so inconsistent with my diets and working out. I've just been super tired from work. But whatever I dont care anymore. I gotta get back on my grind with this! 15 lbs to drop!

I was at the mall with my sister today and she was getting hit on while I faded into the background. I know this sounds super shallow but im the one who always gets hit on! It's like I dont care if my sis gets attention cause shes hot but I know its cause Im super fat right now. That totally ruined my afternoon. I've been looking up pics of kim kardashian to motivate me and to keep me from eating and to keep working out. It's working! Omg I'm gonna stop whining now. I will be skinny and hot again soon! Ughhh Shoot me!

Well i am glad that my sister is home for the summer. We can have some time to bond and reconnect. I feel like I dont even have a sister anymore cause we never talk on the phone or anything and she rarely comes home on the weekends. One bad thing is that my room is twice as messy. & i miss the space to myself and my alone time. but oh well its only for the summer. She was saying she might start working out with me. I hope shes down cause Im so much more motivated when I have a workout buddy. Here are some pics of us since shes been back in the valley:

I love you even though you drive me crazy.

2010-06-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

2010-06-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

2010-06-09T10:57:00.001-07:00

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that if you relax, it comes. Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, God shows you the way.

2010-06-09T00:59:00.001-07:00

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are. If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

2010-06-02T00:00:00.001-07:00

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that if you feel too busy, you are. Give yourself permission to be un-busy. Give yourself an hour or a day to simply be. Allow yourself the luxury of a small retreat. Allow your spirit time to be restored. Even God took a day of rest.