I fucking ate again and I feel like jumping off a building. I promised myself yesterday would be the last day i binged and then today I would starve and purge. But no I woke up anxious as fuck again. Food was my automatic go to for comfort. & now I feel even worse about myself. Why cant I just stop fucking eating?!?!

I Think I Have an Eating Disorder

I never thought id be the type of person to have an eating disorder. Yet I realize food and losing weight is all i ever think about. I look in the mirror and cringe each time with what I see. Ive never hated anyone as much as I hate myself right now. My anxiety is off the roof. Prayer doesnt seem to help much anymore. Things with Derick are awful as always. I'm so lonely. Food seems to be the only thing that gives me even those ten minutes of comfort. & then after I'm done binge eating I purge.

The first time I stuck my finger down my throat and forced myself to vomit was really uncomfortable and it took a while. I guess my body has adjusted somehow and now its effortless. If I dont do that then I take strong laxatives to try to get rid of the million calories I ate that way. Nothing helps. I'm still fat and disgusting.

I dont know how I got to this point. I used to love myself even when I was the biggest I've ever been. No one gets it. They think that my problem is so easy to solve. Just diet and exercise. I wish it were that easy. I look at my older blogs on here and most of them I talk about my eating and exercising plans. I yoyo diet all the time. Hawaii is in 3 weeks. & i still havent lost any weight. Ive resorted to trying to starve myself this time.

Today I tell myself is the last day I'm going to binge and eat everything I want til I cant breathe anymore. Then tomorrow I will not eat anything. If I feel dizzy or weak I will take a drink of my veggie juice or a couple nuts. I know it sounds crazy but I wish I were anorexic and its my plan to try and get there. I feel like even if i starved myself I would never be skinny enough.

Everyday I wake up afraid of eating and failing again. I just want to love myself and I want the insecurities and self loathing to disappear. I dont remember the last time I felt happy. I took two benadryl yesterday to knock myself out and to make my anxiety go away. All I ever feel is anxiety and fear. All the time. I want to cry all the time. I wonder when I will feel ok again.

Random Ramblings...

Lately, I've been really into this detox/cleanse called "Clean". It is AMAZING. While on this cleanse I lost 17 lbs and my skin has cleared up alot. I feel more energetic and my bad mood swings are not as bad. For 3 weeks all I eat for breakfast and dinner are these smoothies that I make and one solid meal for lunch. Ive inspired alot of people to hop on the clean wagon and feel and look their greatest. My best friend is already a week in along with her husband.

After my detox I went back to bad eating habits and not working out as much and right away my body started doing the same old thing. The pounds started packing on again and I started feeling more sluggish and depressed. Right now I'm back on it to rid my body of the toxins that I built up over the past few weeks of eating horribly. I've gained some self control and perspective on this cleanse and I'm really greatful for that.

I got home a while ago from Barry's bootcamp class in Sherman Oaks. It's a bootcamp class that does intervals on the treadmill and strength training. I love it so far but it can be super exhausting. I love how the bootcamp instructors really push you to do your absolute best. I never thought I could sprint at 10mph! It felt amazing and I loved feeling super sore afterwards. I'm really trying to live a healthy active lifestyle. Just last week I had a colonic hydrotherapy session to rid my colon of toxins that have built up and seriously I've already seen so many benefits to it. I'm gonna schedule another appointment for next week.

I'm off today and it feels so good. Lounging around doing nothing but relaxing watching my favorite shows and movies and playing on my laptop, kindle fire and ipad. I love checking off things that I listed on my planner. All I ever wanna do is stay home and chill. It's summertime in the valley and I really do want to be out more but work can really take alot out of me along with my hard workout sessions after. When all that is done I cannot wait to crawl into bed and reeelaxxxx. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on life but I know things happen for a reason and my life is in GODS hands. HE will provide. I just need to have faith and be content and enjoy where I am in my life until GOD is ready to bring me to something better.

I'm not really sure about my current love life. Over the past couple of months a couple of guys have really been trying to get to know me and take me out. I've had so many opportunities to meet new people, date and see what else is out there but no one has caught my interest. And for some reason my ex is still in my life. I can't lie and say that I dont love him. Sometimes I feel like he is still the man that I'm supposed to end up with. We still talk every day and he still tries, does all the things I needed him to do to see some change and I know how deep his love is for me. It's hard because even if I was 100% sure that he is the man for me I don't know how my family or loved ones will be able to accept him again after all that happened last year. Especially my mom. I'm getting tired of hiding though. Right now all I can do is wait and see what GOD has planned out for me. If its him and I GOD will bring it to pass and everything will be ok.

This Novemeber is one of my best friend's wedding & me, my mom, sister and two other best friends are all flying out to Hawaii! I'm so excited! To be in such a beautiful exotic island with people who i treasure and finally have a well deserved vacation and time in the sun!. That's part of the reason why I'm trying to really get on this health/fitness wagon. I have to be able to wear a bikini in Hawaii for sure.

After I get back from vacation I really have my heart set on going back to school and get my BSN in nursing. I've been working for almost 3 years. It's time to move forward. I really don't know what is in store in my future but I do know that GOD has good things planned for those who trust & love HIM.  :)

lately ive been so full of anxiety and care, especially regarding my goal to lose weight and get to the size i was in high school. i forgot what it was to cast my care on GOD and live in peace as HE works everything out for me. ive been jealous, full of hate and resentment. ive compared myself to girls and ive never felt so ugly and not myself. ive been insecure and negative. ive been stressed and sad. i lost sight of what should be the center of my life which is GOD. my weight and appearance and myself became my focus.

the past few weeks have been hard but with GODS help im slowly getting back on track, feeling peaceful again in GODS love, remembering to cast my cares and trust in and have faith in HIM. thank YOU LORD for always guiding me back to YOU. amen.