im trying to resist the urge to answer his calls and txts or actually just call him myself. ughh im just so confused right now. and its hard because it hurts me when i knw that hes hurting and sad. i knw he may need me, but i really need time to think. i dont even knw what we are right now. i didnt really officially break up with him, but yet i feel like hes not really my bf either.. im like on somewhere in the middle. i do miss him. its only been a couple of days and i already miss his voice, telling him all my random stories and laughing together. hes supposed to be graduating next week. thats honestly part of the reason why im trying to be easy on him, i dont want to get him distracted when hes soo close to finishing school.
sol and i are like so bummed out together. today we went shopping to make ourselves feel better. i got two tops and some cute comfy heels. and i also pigged out on chocolate =/ we havent worked out in 5 days or so cuz of whats been going on. and on top of that my abusive alcoholic dad is acting up again. all men are mother fuckerrs i swear. my mom and i are just plotting and waiting til the day we can leave this bitch. he makes us and our home and enviroment so miserable. even when i do what he wants, i accomplish shit, im a good daughter, and im the only one who gets blamed for shit and has to deal with his drunk ass. sometimes my life is like something out of a movie. drunk violent abusive dad. the dysfunction and crazy shit i have to deal with. im just happy i have my mom to keep me sane. instead of turning into some psycho bitch, it made me stronger. i dont let dumb petty shit get to me. i try to make the best out of everything and striive to be happy. thats why i get so frustrated when derick whines over nothing. were so blessed and he doesnt even see that. im just so tired of taking care of everyone. my sick mom, my abusive dad, my annoying bro who dnt do shit but act like alittle bitch and take advantage and make more mess in the house for me to clean up. honestly, i only do it for my mom. and i swear one day ima get us out of this place.
i just needed to vent. tomorrow sol and i are going to the beach to chill and meditate. to get away from all our boy drama and everything else going on in our lives. i really am so greatful that we have each other.