Today and other thoughts..

Today I woke up had some oatmeal for breakfast and had a good workout. I waited about an hour and then did about 30 minutes of intense cardio and circuit training then about 45 minutes of strength training and lifting weights. Afterwards I showered and got ready to take my mom to kaiser cause she had an appointment with the rheumatology department. They did a bunch of lab work and she took a disability off of work for two months cause of her condition. I'm glad that she has time to just rest and recover now. My cousin met up with us there and we all went to the market after cause my mom wanted chicken wings for dinner. Got home and spent quality time with the family. We chit chatted and had good laughs while watching funny shows while we waited for my brother and sister to finish cooking up the wings. We all had dinner then went to wal mart to walk off the food we ate and pick up our little necessities. My workout was such a burn today since all I did was eat. Chicken wings, soda, chocolate, chips omg! Tomorrow I am doing work! Anyways overall it was a wonderful day spent with my loved ones and all we did were simple things. Thank YOU for this day LORD :)

Although I'm glad that my bf is more willing to help me work this relationship out, I'm really starting to wonder if I can ever really be truly be happy with him, or if we can ever truly be happy together. Our constant fighting and misunderstandings never ends. We haven't even started the couples therapy cause hes so busy with working and school. The trust issues keep piling up. The bitterness and anger just doesn't seem to go away. I try so hard to keep us together, to be unselfish and do my best to make things work between us. I just feel like he's not doing enough on his part to make it work. He's close minded and very self centered. He never seems to see my needs or considers my feelings ever. It's always about what he wants. I see happy couples all around me and get envious how they can be happy and no matter how hard we try, we cant seem to get past our problems and be happy also. It hurts cause I really do love him. I want us to be happy. But are things going to be this way forever? It's not as easy anymore to just let go of our fights and issues and just think its ok we love each other. There has to be some kind of resolution. I know I have alot to work on and change for him, myself and for the sake of our relationship but so does he. I wish he could see that also. I wish he cared enough to see past his views and own perspectives and respect my own. Does it have to take me leaving for good for him to finally see and realize?

All I can do now is try my absolute best to make it work out. To love unconditionally and forgive and forget. To be understanding and patient and caring. To try and keep things calm so we dont end up fighting. To try to give him the things he asks of me. To try to show him my love and his worth to me. All I can do is try my best, and leave all the rest up to GOD. I cant force Derick to be who I want him to be or make him into what I feel is ideal for me. I love and accept him for who he is. But it takes two people equally sacrificing and being respectful and considerate to make a relationship work. If GOD wants us to be together then it will workout. If not, maybe theres just a lesson to be learned here and I know HE will give me the strength to move on and find happiness again. I love Derick so much. I hope and pray everyday that he is the one for me and that we may find true peace and happiness together and resolve our problems and constant fighting. That all our wounds and hurt over these past 6 years will heal and that we can move on with a fresh slate. Right now I just cant worry. All I can do is my part and I surrender the rest to GOD to take care of it for me.

Tomorrow I'm gonna double up my cardio and workout time to make up for all the junk i ate today. Got some laundry to do and cook up a couple meals worth of healthy food since I will be busy the rest of the week working so I need healthy food I can just take on the go. Clean up my room a bit and then just lounge around. Rest and get my mind together and relax. I really wanted to go for a good run but the weather is weird. It's been raining. I cant wait to get a car and join the gym!