Thursday, April 28, 2011

Car & Gym

I finally got my own car and started hitting the gym. I love the gym! It's so much more fun and motivating and its a great escape from all my troubles right now. Seeing all these fit people make me more driven to get more toned and fit. I dont get bored and I can work out for hours. For the past week I've been at the gym almost everyday and working out for 1 to 3 hours. When I'm at home doing insanity and weights I'll usually workout for about an hour but seriously gotta force myself to keep going cuz i get so bored and theres not much space to move around in my room.

I love going there to escape all my troubles with of course my bf. Its still not much better. I try not to be so negative and try to see things from a more positive point of view and hold on and fight for this relationship. The fights never end and my guards are higher than ever. There is no trust and security. We're always afraid of getting hurt by the other. He has been putting more effort to be with me lately and usually that would make me so happy. But I'm so used to him abandoning and neglecting me and putting me on the bottom of his list that I dont believe it anymore. I just cant believe his true intentions are just wanting to be with me. I'm afraid if I fall for it again and start believing I'm gonna end up crushed as always. This saturday is supposed to be our first couples therapy session and i dont even know if we can make it cause he has class. My face has aged and I dont have the same glow or aura that I used to. Everyone can tell I'm miserable even when I try to cover it all up with a fake smile. I'm so confused. More than I have ever been in my life. I try not to worry or wonder anymore whats going to happen. I try to forget it and keep him from entering my mind and I ask GOD to take care of it for me and for the wisdom to know what to do. & I try to escape. Which is honestly the main reason why I pushed to get a car and join the gym. So i can have distractions and get away and keep from hurting even if its just for a little while.

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