Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Each day im more and more confused with what to do with this fucking relationship. I cant eat i cant sleep i cant focus on anything. im taking fucking antianxiety meds just to be able to calm myself and sleep at night and to stop my mind and heart from running wild. i have nightmares almost everynight and theyre always about him. one day i feel strong. that im ok and can go on without him and find happiness and fullfillment else where. especialy when he shows me that he doesnt care for me or this relationship and always puts it last on his list. then i have days where i just cant let go. im miserable and and depressed and always stressed out and its all because of him and being in this relationship but i would rather be this miserable than even thinking of being without him. im so fucking weak. idk anymore. maybe its me. maybe im the reason this relationship is shit. everytime i talk to my mom and cousin they tell me its not healthy start looking for what else is out there live tmy life and that i can be so much happier. that i waste my life my time and my youth and beauty on some guy who is not worthy. sometimes i feel that way too but other times i remember the guy i fell in love with and sometimes he shows me that guy again. and i keep holding on hoping that shit will get better and that we can be happy i know hes sad with me also. ive been reading books trying to figure shit out. if ucking read act like a lady think like a man thinking it will help me understand how men think. christine recommended it to me. i read that shit and it basically said that all men cheat regardless. just cuz they can and they need to get some. even if they are happy with their woman they still do it cuz they fucking love sex. i just feel like i want to be single forever and not have to play these games or deal with this kind of shit anymore!! after reading it i just want to call him and cuss him out for cheating on me!! ughh am i fucking crazy?? sometimes i feel like i see signs of cheating but im indenial or im overreacting. im so fucking insecure and nag and bitch about everything because i ahve no trust or security in this relationship. his shcedle always changes, he gets out of work late all the time, he always ahs excses for shit. i want so much to believe his words and believe in this relationship but ims cared to fall again and i just cant get up anymore. im sof ucking weak! ii know i sound like a crazy bitch in this blog but fuck off its my blog! ughh. ive been off work for 3 days anda ll i did was hit the gym then eat after cuz im fucking depressed, go home shower get in my jammies , pop a xanax and get into fucking bed at nooon!!! i stay in bed all day watching tv trying to figure out wtf to do with my life and iwth him. we went to coples thereapy finally and we still havent made another appnt cuz hes alawys so fucking busy. im so torn between being a good understanding gf and be supportive of how busy he is and all the things he needs to do and between myself and waht i need as a woman which is my mans time and affection which i get so very rarely. i broke up with him and he cmae to my house and fought for me. why cant he be that man all the time??? sometimes i feel like i really just need to leave. whether its me or him or just us as a couple that is wrong ppoint is that were both miserable. i dont wnat ot take meds just to be able to sleep at night! just ot fucking relax waiting around all day for his phone calls that rarely come or he will take forever to call me bacik. i knw hes busy but fuck im human too and i have needs!! i dont trust him for shit i dont feel safe or secure with him. what more wen he gets stationed out of the valley for airforce?? i would rather just end it now and try to move on in my life than try to fucking hold on till he leaves then he fucking leaves me anyways! i dont want to waste my life anymore im so fucking miserable and lonely! i just want to happiness. i feel like the only time i will be happy is if he is finally out of my life. i know itll hurt but when the pain is gone maybe i can find peace again.but idk how to be without him. i still want to believe and hope that he can bring joy into my life again. im sof ucking torn and more confused than ever. i just want to sleep high on my drugs so i dont feel or think about this fucking pain! ughhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

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