I never thought id be the type of person to have an eating disorder. Yet I realize food and losing weight is all i ever think about. I look in the mirror and cringe each time with what I see. Ive never hated anyone as much as I hate myself right now. My anxiety is off the roof. Prayer doesnt seem to help much anymore. Things with Derick are awful as always. I'm so lonely. Food seems to be the only thing that gives me even those ten minutes of comfort. & then after I'm done binge eating I purge.
The first time I stuck my finger down my throat and forced myself to vomit was really uncomfortable and it took a while. I guess my body has adjusted somehow and now its effortless. If I dont do that then I take strong laxatives to try to get rid of the million calories I ate that way. Nothing helps. I'm still fat and disgusting.
I dont know how I got to this point. I used to love myself even when I was the biggest I've ever been. No one gets it. They think that my problem is so easy to solve. Just diet and exercise. I wish it were that easy. I look at my older blogs on here and most of them I talk about my eating and exercising plans. I yoyo diet all the time. Hawaii is in 3 weeks. & i still havent lost any weight. Ive resorted to trying to starve myself this time.
Today I tell myself is the last day I'm going to binge and eat everything I want til I cant breathe anymore. Then tomorrow I will not eat anything. If I feel dizzy or weak I will take a drink of my veggie juice or a couple nuts. I know it sounds crazy but I wish I were anorexic and its my plan to try and get there. I feel like even if i starved myself I would never be skinny enough.
Everyday I wake up afraid of eating and failing again. I just want to love myself and I want the insecurities and self loathing to disappear. I dont remember the last time I felt happy. I took two benadryl yesterday to knock myself out and to make my anxiety go away. All I ever feel is anxiety and fear. All the time. I want to cry all the time. I wonder when I will feel ok again.